The Worst Feeling In the World

The worst feeling in the world is knowing every time you say goodbye to your mom it is in her head that that might be the last time she ever sees you alive. I guess its my fault, I'm the depressed one with a scar on my wrist. I wish things could go back to normal, but I'm not sure things will ever be the way they once were. I'm never going to get to go home and not get asked about whether I'm taking my medicine and whether or not I think it is working. I just want their trust back. My friends and my families trust is something I need. I'm fighting like hell. Some people don't recognize that. Each day I wake up I go to war with myself. The negative thoughts, the lack of energy, and the lack of interest are a struggle for me everyday. I wish it wasn't that way. Either I have to get through it and maintain a sense of happiness in my life or let it get the best of me and end up back in the hospital or locked up in my room. The hard part is knowing that someone has given up on me. Especially since I would have never given up on him. However, there is nothing I can do about it now. But it does motivate me to prove him wrong everyday. Normalcy is no longer an option for me now... but happiness is. And I'm going to fight with all that's within me till I find it.

Head Full or Doubt/ Road Full of Promise

Where am I going. Its possibly one of the most frequently asked questions in the world. Unfortunately none of us can find the answer till we get there. College kids often feel like they are setting there path and know exactly where they will end up, but it only takes one second... one short second for everything to change. Whether its getting a phone call that you don't want or another random tragedy. The only thing we can do after that is say why did that happen... why me... these things aren't suppose to happen to me. However, no matter how long we try to avoid it. We have to decide whether we are going to let it destroy us or are we going to learn and grow from it to make us a stronger person. As you grow older you look back, its those moments that really make you who you are. Even though it hurt like hell, and there will always be a scare. Whether its growing apart from a brother or a friend, or just someone you thought would always be there. I don't know where I'm going, and to be honest I don't really give a fuck. Let future Ryan deal with that. I'm not going to set up my future life and assume everything is going to be perfect for forever. Because the truth is life's not all that great, its the memories and friends you make on your journey that make anything worth it. I probably wont grow up and drive a Porsche, and that doesn't bother me at all. I just want my friends.