The Worst Feeling In the World

The worst feeling in the world is knowing every time you say goodbye to your mom it is in her head that that might be the last time she ever sees you alive. I guess its my fault, I'm the depressed one with a scar on my wrist. I wish things could go back to normal, but I'm not sure things will ever be the way they once were. I'm never going to get to go home and not get asked about whether I'm taking my medicine and whether or not I think it is working. I just want their trust back. My friends and my families trust is something I need. I'm fighting like hell. Some people don't recognize that. Each day I wake up I go to war with myself. The negative thoughts, the lack of energy, and the lack of interest are a struggle for me everyday. I wish it wasn't that way. Either I have to get through it and maintain a sense of happiness in my life or let it get the best of me and end up back in the hospital or locked up in my room. The hard part is knowing that someone has given up on me. Especially since I would have never given up on him. However, there is nothing I can do about it now. But it does motivate me to prove him wrong everyday. Normalcy is no longer an option for me now... but happiness is. And I'm going to fight with all that's within me till I find it.

Head Full or Doubt/ Road Full of Promise

Where am I going. Its possibly one of the most frequently asked questions in the world. Unfortunately none of us can find the answer till we get there. College kids often feel like they are setting there path and know exactly where they will end up, but it only takes one second... one short second for everything to change. Whether its getting a phone call that you don't want or another random tragedy. The only thing we can do after that is say why did that happen... why me... these things aren't suppose to happen to me. However, no matter how long we try to avoid it. We have to decide whether we are going to let it destroy us or are we going to learn and grow from it to make us a stronger person. As you grow older you look back, its those moments that really make you who you are. Even though it hurt like hell, and there will always be a scare. Whether its growing apart from a brother or a friend, or just someone you thought would always be there. I don't know where I'm going, and to be honest I don't really give a fuck. Let future Ryan deal with that. I'm not going to set up my future life and assume everything is going to be perfect for forever. Because the truth is life's not all that great, its the memories and friends you make on your journey that make anything worth it. I probably wont grow up and drive a Porsche, and that doesn't bother me at all. I just want my friends.

Someone You'd Admire

Today I was lectured on the importance of preparing myself to be the man I need to become. Some of the characteristics where strong willed and willing to fight for what they believe. I'm 20 years old... I'm suppose to be becoming the man that I'm suppose to be. Easier said then done. I'm still in a stage where I miss the old days of being a kid without a care. Also, as I look at "men" around me I continue to find flaws that I want to avoid. I feel like I have the loyalty thing down pretty good... maybe I'm wrong though. Everyone tells me your 20's are when you discover who you are. I'm still trying to figure it out and the more I think about it the more my head hurts. I'm not ready to get married, I'm not ready to be financially independent, I'm definitely not ready to become a father. The thoughts of those things alone is pretty intimidating. I wish I didn't have to grow up, but that's where every kids path leads. And either we can stop going down the path and settle or keep moving down it without looking back. Even though I'm afraid of the future I'm also excited for it. Mainly because I get to pick the paths of my life. Sure every now and then I will get lost, but that's part of the adventure. If you never stray from the path and take a new route you will miss opportunities to discover new things. I'm still not sure where my path is headed, but I want to keep moving forward. I want to discover new things. I want to live a life and never look back, and when I reach the end be able to say it was the best journey I could have asked for. In the meantime I follow the path with my close friends. Sometimes we mess up and let each other stray from the path, but that's how you learn and learning from mistakes helps make yourself into who you want to be. I love my friends, they are a group of people that keep me balanced. When I go off the path or just want to stop moving forward they are always there to pick me up. I hope they know I will always be there to do the same for them. So we walk the path together, hoping for the same outcome... a life that was worth something. We'll get there. (Marsh, Jimmy, Pete, Matt, Daniel) 

My Highs are High and My Lows are low... and I Don't Know Which Way to Go

Recently I've discovered that I don't find joy in winning. The other day I was playing pick up basketball and our team won the first 4 games but lost the 5th and final game. Most people would be happy with that record. I wasn't. I was furious and all I could think about is what I should have done to prevent the other team from winning, and the feeling sticks around till the next time I play. However, it returns as soon as my next loss occurs. People say sports and life have similar lessons. In life I don't focus on my success's, I only focus on my mistakes. It's not the best way to live... but it's going to be an uphill battle to change. I'm not perfect so I'm always going to have mistakes to focus on instead of focusing on any good I might have caused. I want to be perfect and I think it is ok to strive to be perfect. That way you continue to grow and better yourself as a person. I'm never going to be perfect and I'm never going to walk on water. My flaws are all around me... the scars on my arm, the lack of championship trophies in my room, and my hypocrisies. However, there are reminders of my success's... my friendship with Marshall, Jimmy, and my Grandma. As long as I have and maintain the respect and love from them I must not be doing to bad. I'm blessed to have a lot of good people around me that love me, but when I start having trouble its hard to go to anyone. So I just wait and take my pills. Ive been doing pretty good lately. But there is always the fear of everything falling apart. I wish that would go away. Till then all I can do is surround myself with the people I love and enjoy the moment.

A Letter to a Friend of Long Ago (Willard Douglas)

Dear, Pa-Pa

Thank you for showing me what true love is. You showed me in the way you loved your wife, family, and friends. You lived an amazing life full of love and joy that was contagious to everyone around you. Your loyalty lasted till your last breathe on this earth. You loved Nana more than I've ever seen a human love another. I hope one day I can love a woman as much as you loved her. Even when she was diagnosed with alzheimers you refused to put her in assisted living, even though you had to watch the alzheimers dissolve the woman you loved and married. You changed her diapers and fed her at every meal. The amazing part was that you never complained, you stayed loyal and firm in your love for her. That's why it broke my heart the way your time together ended on this earth. It wasn't fair to you. My favorite song is "That's How Strong My Love Is" by Otis Redding. Whenever I listen to it I think of you an Nana slow dancing in a dark empty room on the middle of the dance floor with the spotlight on you and the woman you loved so well. Imperfections gone, just holding the woman who you loved more than anything else in this world. Your story gives me hope that I can one day do the same. Thank you for your love and your selflessness, and for showing me what a man truly is. The summer I spent with you is one of the best memories of my life. I remember you would watch me run my sprints to get ready for football. I hated doing them, but seeing the smile on your face and hearing your applause made every time worth it. I know one day when I finish my sprint I'll meet your smile and your applause once again in heaven. However, I have to finish my race, and until then use your memory as a driving force for becoming the man I want to be. I can never thank you enough for all of your love and friendship. Thank you so very much.
                                                                                                                        Your Friend,
                                                                                                                                          Ryan

Men Come In Different Shades... Its How We Are Made

I feel like im punished for not being the typical 20 year old asshole kid who's main goal in life is to get laid. My goal in life is to enrich the lives of the people i care about. I'm not perfect and i make mistakes, but for the most part my intentions are good. Then i walk around campus and see girls paying more attention to the assholes wearing polos and sunglasses (even though the sun isn't out). Maybe there's something i don't see in those kinda guys. Maybe their is a flaw in me that i don't see. The more i talk to people about it the more they say i need to lower the expectations on myself... that i shouldn't strive to be perfect. That's Not An Option For Me. Its my everything or nothing. I refuse to quit before i become the man i know i can be. One of my Dr.'s said "Ryan living with those expectations for yourself will kill you." My response was then i guess i'm going to die tryin'. No man is ever complete, but if you give up trying to be perfect you finish your life as something less. Most men take that road. That road doesn't appeal to me... at all. I want to be the best i can be, and i believe that is respectable. Yet, i spend nights alone asking myself why i am alone. Unfortunately the answer i keep coming to is im not ready. I have to wait for the perfect girl to come around, but it isnt enough to sit their and wait, i have to keep working on myself so that ill be ready when i get my chance. It sucks waiting. It really does. But if it gets me to where i want to be... then it will be well worth the wait.

im 20 years old... how did i end up here?

Im a 20 year old college student. It seems like yesterday I was a kid playing in the back yard all day without a care in the world. I don't know when things changed, back then there was no worry, no fear, and no idea of what was going on outside my life. I guess I was living the dream, I just didn't know it. Now I look at myself in the mirror and see a 20 year old... its pretty scary cause I see most of my life as a blur now, however every day feels so long. I guess most of my life has been full of irrelevancy, i hope to change that. I need to change that. It's hard being different from most people, at least I like to think of myself as different. Maybe we are all the same and just good at hiding it. I've been fighting to find happiness for my whole life. Yet, it still alludes me most days. There are good moments, and Im thankful for those... Thank God for those. I went through a period of life where I lost a lot of people that were close to me. It all happened within 2 and a half months. It was hell. I tried to be strong, because thats what your suppose to do when your a man. But on the inside i could barely find the strength to stand. I went around like this for about 3 years before it finally broke me. I found myself in a psych ward being treated for depression. It sucked to realize it had come to that, but as my treatment progressed I started to realize I could make this the turning point of my life. That is my goal. This blog is to help me express my feelings and assess where I am in my recovery and my journey through life as a kid that wants to live a life worth being proud of.